QUESTIONS.

Do you know how painful it is to cry in the middle of an argument, holding back your reply just because she might think that you are trying to defend yourself again, even though you're wrong? Do you know how hard it is to type in front of the computer, in the middle of the morning, at about 2:46 AM, without any device to see clearly?

Do you know how hard it is to cry so silently becauise you don't want to cause any ruckus? Or because you don't want them to hear? Do you know how hard it is to cry in the middle of the night, at about 2:46 AM, wanting to hug or hold someone--wanting human affection or contact, but, all you have is a bed full of stuffed animal, one large sized Tigger, one medium sized Baby Taz, and one stuffed dog named Bernard?

Do you know how difficult it is to grasp the idea of you flaring up for something that I seem to do every night--annoy you--with the littlest things i do? Do you not think that I suffer the same pressure as you do or even think of ways or thoughts as you do? Do you think i'm not thinking of ways to give you what you want?

Do you think I don't get hurt too?

Do you think that what happened with my parents does not affect me?

Do you think JUST because I still live with my parents, and you live there, that I am having the better life?? Do you think I do not think of you every decent meal I have in this home, knowing that you have not yet eaten??

Why did you think I don't eat much when I'm at home? I

Do you think I do not care?

Am I so stupid or shallow for you?

HOw is it that you are not really that patient with me? Yes, you lasted two years, and more with me... But still, you have the shortest patience...

How is it that you can crack a joke and I can't? How is it that you see it wrong?

Have you ever felt like you want to do anything for her just to fix whatever it is she's worrying about AND STILL feel like you have done NOTHING AT ALL for her?

Have you ever felt that everytime she says "Tang inang buhay 'to" you feel that you do not make her happy at all? as in ever? and that you feel so insignificant? and that you will realize that your attempts to make everything better has not worked even for ONE BIT?

HAVE YOU EVER FELT THAT VOID INSIDE YOU, FEELING THAT YOU HAVE LOST ALL ABILITY TO FEEL BUT STILL FEEL SOMETHING?? AS IF A VACUUM HAS SEEPED IN YOUR CHEST, TRYING TO SUCK ALL EMOTIONS AND PAIN, BUT, INSTEAD OF THE PAIN GOING AWAY, YOU'LL JUST FEEL THE PAIN GOING TROUGH IN CIRCLES, TRYING TO GET TO THAT VOID??

Do you know how hard that feels??

Do you know that me, blogging again, is a bad omen? That the same feeling I was feeling back then when I had no one to tell my problems or my feelings to, I'm feeling again right now?

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT?

Yes, you worry about our future... but, honestly, how about what I feel now?

What if we fall apart because I'M FALLING APART?

What if I can't take the pain anymore?

Would I be apathetic? Would I lose feeling?

WOULD YOU STILL LOVE ME THEN?

If you asked me questions as to how I feel about my parents, even just for a while, do you think you'd still think that I feel NOTHING or think about NOTHING regarding my parent's problems??

If you asked me what my ninang and I talked about that night we went out, do you think it would have changed how I felt?

I BET YOU, IF YOU READ THIS, YOU'D BE ANGRY AGAIN AT ME.

Thinking that I was selfish and shit.

Maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

I don't know.....

all I know is that I'm hurting so much right now, and that I'm keeping everything in. I am son to be a time bomb.













Don't let me explode..... please...













-sF-