one second.

I think I know what it feels like to die. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any near-death experiences to share, it's just that, in a split second of watching today's new episode of Glee (I hate it how Quinn cheats on Sam and kiss Finn. >.<) I saw myself... dying.

Maybe it's the fact that after browsing the different channels, I saw the movie "Dying Young" playing in 2nd Avenue, or the fact that I have always felt that I will die soon. I dunno.

In that split second, I saw myself falling into an abyss, not of darkness, but of black. All the feelings flushed out on me -- I don't feel tired anymore, I do not feel like hurting. The falling part was exceptionally light. Not similar to the type wherein in our dreams we fall off a cliff. No, it's more sullen than that

Everything was falling into place -- my hair was finally perfect! I didn't feel like anyone would miss me being gone. Hell, I even saw myself falling with my hands situated over my stomach.

Yes, I felt all of those in a span of a second.

finally.

Special mention. I would like to thank SuperMaruManFly for making me realize this, without him even knowing this. :D

Yes, I have finally come out of the dark. Gone are the days of lying on my bed, crying myself to sleep, of days feeling empty, of nights just feeling sad. I have finally come into terms with how I feel. And frankly, it feels good.

I don't feel as much as embarrassed every time I feel happy or giddy. I am not (and never will be) overly perky. (thank god.) I just feel. so...

good...

and it's been awhile since I felt that. :)

so, thanks again, SuperMaruManFly.

There will be changes on this blog, i assume. :P

the thing is. I found myself again. my WRITING self.

hoorah for nostalgia. :)

-sF-

the cynic.

I have been too much of an optimist in front of people. In fact, other people would think that I am too nice. BUT, what they don't know, is that I was always my own cynic. The type that slowly devours it's prey into a senseless and dark vacuum of... well... darkness. *shrugs*

Now, I am a fan of happiness more than the next person but, you can't expect me to change how I feel in a matter of minutes, days or even weeks. The thing that I have inherited from my parents is the fact that I hold grudges. No, not the type that you see in movies, and not the type that can make me angry for the longest time. My grudge is the type that never forgets. That lingers. and that can be caught up in different situations as ways of comparison or being all sentimental. (although lately I have been experiencing the type of grudge wherein I remain angry at a certain person for the longest of time and that I do my best to not even see that person. -_-)

The fact that I failed my second exam here in my job is not a pick-me-upper as well.

This is not my night. The latter days AND nights were not any better too.

Getting upset is tiring.. -_- I just wish it will all go away. -_-















-sF-

a thought.

it's not that I am regretful of how I celebrate my birthdays. Yes, there are times that I DO want to be alone on my birthday. Sometimes even reaching a point wherein I don't appreciated being told "Happy Birthday" that much. Honestly, it's the ampao that I am mostly exited about. teehee.

But with all the kidding-ness (?) aside, I DO wish that I have somebody to celebrate it with... not only THAT kind of special someone (God knows how miserable my LAST birthday was. and I still AM miserable, at that. -_________-) but, at least, I want OTHER people to be happy I was born.

For years, (DISCLAIMER: I am NOT complaining about this. just an observation.) I have prepared for birthdays of friends--preparing parties, prepping gifts, baking cakes, trying to cook food, etc.--but, I have never been given this opportunity. -_-

ok... now I'm just getting sad. -_-

I want my share of surprise AVPs... I want my blindfold, only to be led in a small room with only 4 people at most, carrying a cake, while singing "Happy Birthday" half giggling because they knew you did not see it coming.

*sigh..*

I am not being dramatic, it's just that, since I've been to several debuts of a VERY FEW friends, they always have this Audio-Visual Presentation wherein there are pictures, home movies or interviews of their best friend or something. And... I haven't experienced that.. -_-

And, I noticed, no matter how close I am to that debutante, I don't get invited for an interview or anything. Way to go, self-esteem and pagtatampo.

yeah.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY. bah humbug.





-sF-

my soon to be memory

kung hindi mo makuhang tumigil kahit sandali para lang masabi sakin ang mga bagay na gusto ko marinig, pano mo pa ako bibigyan ng atensyong alam mong gusto kong nakukuha sayo?

tangna.

kung hindi ko alam nanaman kung bakit hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko. at kung bakit kung ano-ano nalang ang ttype ko, aba't malay ko. ang alam ko...

gusto ko mag update ng blog.

pero wala akong magandang masabi. ganun naman talaga kung minsan diba?

psh.

anong minsan?

ganun na ako after how many months turned years.

if you'll look at my archive, you'll see a couple of outdated posts.

and yes, I might end up erasing this one sooner or later. but for now...

i need something to update my blog with...

and this is it.