a thought.

it's not that I am regretful of how I celebrate my birthdays. Yes, there are times that I DO want to be alone on my birthday. Sometimes even reaching a point wherein I don't appreciated being told "Happy Birthday" that much. Honestly, it's the ampao that I am mostly exited about. teehee.

But with all the kidding-ness (?) aside, I DO wish that I have somebody to celebrate it with... not only THAT kind of special someone (God knows how miserable my LAST birthday was. and I still AM miserable, at that. -_________-) but, at least, I want OTHER people to be happy I was born.

For years, (DISCLAIMER: I am NOT complaining about this. just an observation.) I have prepared for birthdays of friends--preparing parties, prepping gifts, baking cakes, trying to cook food, etc.--but, I have never been given this opportunity. -_-

ok... now I'm just getting sad. -_-

I want my share of surprise AVPs... I want my blindfold, only to be led in a small room with only 4 people at most, carrying a cake, while singing "Happy Birthday" half giggling because they knew you did not see it coming.

*sigh..*

I am not being dramatic, it's just that, since I've been to several debuts of a VERY FEW friends, they always have this Audio-Visual Presentation wherein there are pictures, home movies or interviews of their best friend or something. And... I haven't experienced that.. -_-

And, I noticed, no matter how close I am to that debutante, I don't get invited for an interview or anything. Way to go, self-esteem and pagtatampo.

yeah.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY. bah humbug.





-sF-

my soon to be memory

kung hindi mo makuhang tumigil kahit sandali para lang masabi sakin ang mga bagay na gusto ko marinig, pano mo pa ako bibigyan ng atensyong alam mong gusto kong nakukuha sayo?

tangna.

kung hindi ko alam nanaman kung bakit hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko. at kung bakit kung ano-ano nalang ang ttype ko, aba't malay ko. ang alam ko...

gusto ko mag update ng blog.

pero wala akong magandang masabi. ganun naman talaga kung minsan diba?

psh.

anong minsan?

ganun na ako after how many months turned years.

if you'll look at my archive, you'll see a couple of outdated posts.

and yes, I might end up erasing this one sooner or later. but for now...

i need something to update my blog with...

and this is it.

untitled pa.

The stillness of the library haunts her. But still, it does not stop her from spending her silent afternoons engrossed in a book. She refuses to get a Library Card because, in some sick and twisted way, she loves the serenity and fluidity her world inside gives her.

She gets her book and stands in front of the book shelf for awhile, browsing through the titles, synopses, summaries. But there is one book that caught her attention.

She grazed the spine of the book as if feeling the embossed letters of the title, caressing every detail, every curve, every line. She quietly got hold of its spine, but hesitating at the last second. She glanced at both sides, as if crossing a certain boundary. The librarian sat on the farthest left of hers and no one but the tables at her right. As she got the book, the distance seems to have grown farther. She paced her way towards the farthest table at the back of the room close to the darkest corner. It was this time that she appreciated the carpeted floors.

As she sat on the table, she put the book on her lap, refusing to put it at the table as if afraid someone might see her reading the book.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

tell me what you think so far.

:)

-sF-

From the sheets to the pillow.

She has endured everything around her.

The distance... The time...




The SILENCE.




It is painful enough to have everything turned into an utter disaster, just when she had everything under control.

Her form on her bed... Her fragrance entangled with the sheets... Her head against her chest when asleep...

Yes... She will miss it. Definitely. But, as sappy as it may seem, or as cheesy as it may sound, good things really DO come to an end. You just have to anticipate every moment.

But, she might tell you, she did NOT anticipate it to have ended this soon.


-sF-

it's not fate.

It's not fate that's keeping us apart, it's my parents.

Of course, in my perception, parents want what's best for you. Although, I think they are so blinded about what they think is best for us (with their frustrations about to be reflected on their kids) that they don't really think we are capable of choosing on our own.

I think, in our culture, we are built and trained to be followers of our parents. Don't get me wrong, of course being obedient is utmost important in the Family heirarchy. But, what happens when it's our OWN well being and happiness we are talking about? Do we still follow everything that they want us to do? Everything being, when in doubt of your choice and decision, you follow theirs--kahit na tungkol saan pa yan. Or, will you be the family's "black sheep" just because you have taken into consideration the consequences of wanting what makes you happy, even if it means that by choosing so, it turns you into the REBEL among the family members?

In my opinion, I don't really think it is appropriate for parents to not support or listen to their kid. After all, young as they may be, or in some cases, OLD as they may be... they ARE... WE ARE able to think of what makes us happy, and, in turn, we ARE aware of whatever it is that it might have the possibility of getting us hurt.

BUT THINK ABOUT IT.

Don't you think it's hurting us more if we decided to pursue our own happiness WHILST pursuing yours? In layman's term? HIDING IT FROM YOU.

Us being hurt because without the possibility of getting that happiness (BELIEVE ME, THIS HAPPENS BECAUSE IF THE PARENTS ARE IN DOUBT OF YOUR ACTIONS, THEY WILL TRY EVERYTHING IN THEIR WILL POWER TO STOP YOU.) and you being hurt because you think that your offspring is disobeying you JUST for the sake of spiting you when in fact, they can't possibly let go because it makes them happy.

BUT...

What happens when you, as parents, do something in similarity to what your child is doing, only this time, it's worse? When lives of families are at stake--lives of YOUR FAMILY and that of OTHERS.

What do you think you're supposed to do?


















-sF-

ikaw.

Please don't think I'm making you look bad through my blog, please..

First of all, no one reads my blog anyway, it's just a form of a teraphy for me. Second, I'm not really making you feel guilty or anything now am I trying to make you look bad...

Pleae, wag ka magalit...

Wala na akong masabihan eh... Hindi ko kakayaning nasa kwarto lang ako, mag-isa... Ayoko na ng pakiramdam na umiiyak ako ng mag-isa... tas walang text sayo... na hindi mo man lang malalaman kung bakit ako nagkakaganto... ni hindi mo alam o wala kang paklam na hindi ako tumatawag sayo...

I son't even want to realize that you are purposely not calling me or even texting me or even wondering why I'm not calling back.

KAso, nasasaktan rin ako kapag nakakareceive ng text mo...

I made a bad joke, I'm going to never hear the end of it.

Kapag may mali ako, pinapamukha mo talaga eh. Kulang nalang sampalin mo sa mukha ko. Pero you have to know I have good intentions. You just saw it in a wrong way...

and i guess i really am not enough for you.

I always thought you were, that's why kayang kaya mo akong suyuin pag galit ako. Kaya alam mo ang gagawin pag galit ako.

Pero pag ikaw naman yung galit, ginagawa ko naman yung alam kong magpapatanggal ng galit mo eh. Pero hindi talaga gumagawa. manlamibng ako or anything, sabihin na tama na ang init ng ulo mo... mukhang mas naiirita ka pa nga eh...

kaya hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko at kung san ako lulugar.













The void is still there... hindi pa nawawala.

It's the same void I feel everytime I get hurt. It was the same void I felt when we almost broke up. THe same void I felt when dad told us the truth. The same void I felt when I realized nma may feelings si papa. The same void I felt When I realized what he saw in her. The same void I feel when we have big fights,. The same void I feel when I get hurt. The same void I thought I would never feel.

Pero alam ko namang imosibleng mawala satin yung void eh. At least alam mong mahal talaga kita.














-sF-

I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.

I van't breathe.

I can't feel.

I need a hug.

I need to cry.













BUT I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO...

QUESTIONS.

Do you know how painful it is to cry in the middle of an argument, holding back your reply just because she might think that you are trying to defend yourself again, even though you're wrong? Do you know how hard it is to type in front of the computer, in the middle of the morning, at about 2:46 AM, without any device to see clearly?

Do you know how hard it is to cry so silently becauise you don't want to cause any ruckus? Or because you don't want them to hear? Do you know how hard it is to cry in the middle of the night, at about 2:46 AM, wanting to hug or hold someone--wanting human affection or contact, but, all you have is a bed full of stuffed animal, one large sized Tigger, one medium sized Baby Taz, and one stuffed dog named Bernard?

Do you know how difficult it is to grasp the idea of you flaring up for something that I seem to do every night--annoy you--with the littlest things i do? Do you not think that I suffer the same pressure as you do or even think of ways or thoughts as you do? Do you think i'm not thinking of ways to give you what you want?

Do you think I don't get hurt too?

Do you think that what happened with my parents does not affect me?

Do you think JUST because I still live with my parents, and you live there, that I am having the better life?? Do you think I do not think of you every decent meal I have in this home, knowing that you have not yet eaten??

Why did you think I don't eat much when I'm at home? I

Do you think I do not care?

Am I so stupid or shallow for you?

HOw is it that you are not really that patient with me? Yes, you lasted two years, and more with me... But still, you have the shortest patience...

How is it that you can crack a joke and I can't? How is it that you see it wrong?

Have you ever felt like you want to do anything for her just to fix whatever it is she's worrying about AND STILL feel like you have done NOTHING AT ALL for her?

Have you ever felt that everytime she says "Tang inang buhay 'to" you feel that you do not make her happy at all? as in ever? and that you feel so insignificant? and that you will realize that your attempts to make everything better has not worked even for ONE BIT?

HAVE YOU EVER FELT THAT VOID INSIDE YOU, FEELING THAT YOU HAVE LOST ALL ABILITY TO FEEL BUT STILL FEEL SOMETHING?? AS IF A VACUUM HAS SEEPED IN YOUR CHEST, TRYING TO SUCK ALL EMOTIONS AND PAIN, BUT, INSTEAD OF THE PAIN GOING AWAY, YOU'LL JUST FEEL THE PAIN GOING TROUGH IN CIRCLES, TRYING TO GET TO THAT VOID??

Do you know how hard that feels??

Do you know that me, blogging again, is a bad omen? That the same feeling I was feeling back then when I had no one to tell my problems or my feelings to, I'm feeling again right now?

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT?

Yes, you worry about our future... but, honestly, how about what I feel now?

What if we fall apart because I'M FALLING APART?

What if I can't take the pain anymore?

Would I be apathetic? Would I lose feeling?

WOULD YOU STILL LOVE ME THEN?

If you asked me questions as to how I feel about my parents, even just for a while, do you think you'd still think that I feel NOTHING or think about NOTHING regarding my parent's problems??

If you asked me what my ninang and I talked about that night we went out, do you think it would have changed how I felt?

I BET YOU, IF YOU READ THIS, YOU'D BE ANGRY AGAIN AT ME.

Thinking that I was selfish and shit.

Maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

I don't know.....

all I know is that I'm hurting so much right now, and that I'm keeping everything in. I am son to be a time bomb.













Don't let me explode..... please...













-sF-

FOR MY FOREVER.

kabullshitan naman talaga. The way you handle yourself as if not to care. tangina. nakakasakit ka na. sobrang nakakasakit ka na.

You dont give in to the idea that i DO get hurt. na AKO RIN nasasaktan. na ako rin marunong makaramdam.

masakit ang chan mo, go lang. maghahanap ako ng gamot. may sugat ka, magpapanic ako...

pano ako? pucha.. walang reply... kaya kong magpakamatay, tell you that i will do it, and get no response from you.

kanina, i feel stupid. I dont like you laughing at me. I feel so low. tapos ano? I tell you i don't want to hear any more from you. Pero I never put down the fucking fone. pero ikaw... when you dont want to talk to me ecause you said I made you feel stupid... I even ask you... HOW DO I MAKE YOU FEEL STUPID?! samantalang ikaw nalang... kapakanan mo lagi... pero ano? binabaan mo parin ako...

magkaiba ang wait lang na sandali may tinatapos lang ako sa wait lang aalis kami. magkaiba yun. when someone tells you to wait, they assume right away that you will be doing something FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES. they don't assume that you'll be out. now THAT requires you telling them. Not just you telling them to wait!!

naiinis ako kasi lagi ka nalang ganyan. I tell you something is wrong and you don't even acknowledge it. But when YOU tell me something is not right or something is the matter....

i DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE!! you act so nonchalantly. nawalan ka na ng pakelam. tapos ano? kapag may pakelam ka na like you tell me. you act so overly jealous and overly paranoid as if im cheating on you.

you are extremes.

and i have to accept that...

ikaw na forever ko eh....................

Can't help but be caught in this loop of ideas and phrases. I've been thinking again.

Yes. This is when thinking IS very bad. The kind of bad you want to stay away from. The kind of bad that is worse than drugs.

I WANT CHILDREN.

SO BAD.

Take note, it's not a baby, it's not a kid. Children.

And no, it's not a spur of the moment. I've been thinking about it for quite some time.

A little background.

My mum got me when she was 19. They married May 10, 1990. I was born November 5, 1990. I was overdue. Do the math. :|

Ever since I was exposed to the possibility of having a baby, I've always wanted to have a baby at a young age, kinda like my mum and dad, because I thought it was better that you can get to be young with your kid even for a short while.

The thought of bonding moments, the feeling of... something magical and unexplainable at the same time, times when you just look at your baby have tears of joy at the brim of your eyes.

Yes... I want those feelings sooooo bad.

kahit na artificial insemination pa yan.

You, if I HAVE readers (hihihi... ^_^) might be thinking that I am crazy or that I can't handle it right now. You're right. I AM crazy AND I can't handle a baby financially.

And get this. I am in an unconventional relationship AND I have no intention of ending it soon, or ever.

So, I am going to do it artificially.

or...

We've been thinking about it... we are thinking, I don't know, having a one night stand with someone absolutely random but very hand picked with his "seeds" be buried in me and he'll have no obligation with us or the baby, whatsoever. BUT, under the conditions that she gets to watch. *evil grin...* and no, she will not be involved in the act.

Ewan ko...

I want it sooooo bad.

for sooooo long...

My Enderun Essay 2: QUESTION

QUESTION: If you are to open a business of your own in either hospitality, leisure or tourism, what would it be? What would your top three priorities be to ensure a successful venture?

If I would be given a chance, I would consider making my own hotel. Since Pilipinos are famously known for their hospitality, I am confident enough to know that I can satisfy whatever it is the client is looking for in visiting a certain place—the nearest place called home.

I plan on making a certain alternative for people to call home when visiting either a familiar place or a new adventure—a, somewhat, home away from home. I would accommodate to their needs, exposing how Pilipinos get their titles of being a loving and hospitable culture.

One of the priorities in holding a business is to treat your employees civilly and with respect. This is to ensure that you get the same amount of respect you give them. It also enables you to have employees who would do their jobs properly. It is a certified way of getting good quality from your employees, at the same time, having the benefit of trust and loyalty towards the “employee-employer” relationship.

Another would be prioritizing your clients. A sure way of establishing a good beginning would be to strengthen one’s credibility by gaining the trust of her potential clients. By attaining the client’s trust, the business could slowly but surely make its way up the successful ladder. One must of course bear in mind that there are different types of clienteles. That is why, adaptation and flexibility is a skill to be mastered when entering the business world.

Being one of the top three priorities, the last one should be managing proper communication between associates and business partners. To avoid conflict, one must establish communication. That is why constant meetings and check-ups should be done in order to keep track of the progress being made or to avoid accidents or incidents in situations not expected.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think I would've made a GREAT business person. :|

My Enderun Essay 1: WHAT MAKES ME, ME.

WHAT MAKES ME, ME.

For days I have struggled of thinking of what I should write in this essay. It is not until a friend of mine finally suggested that I make a personal essay, not something that the people in the institution may think of as, how Pilipinos say, “bola”. When I asked her what my topic could be, she finally came up with “How you became YOU”.

I have pondered on this question a million times even before this essay was requested. “How DID I became ME?”

I may go on and on for hours of tales from when I’m born, when I made my mistakes, when I laughed and became proud. But, thinking that I might bore whoever is going to read this, I decided to make this a run-through of whatever goes on in my mind. Maybe then, we can together realize what makes me my own self.

As I write this, I’m still at a loss figuring out what words to use. After all, I need to be careful. A word may mean a million different things. I would not want them to get the wrong idea of who I really am.

And then it hit me—WRITING. Indeed, words form me. My thoughts, my feelings—they all come in words. It’s a certain passion I share with few people. I never really dreamed of being an open book for people to read. The time I discovered this “gift” was when I was unable to control my feelings, and since I had very few friends, I got a pen and paper and started writing. It was then I felt whatever they were saying that circumstances may occur when your body can’t keep up with what your mind is saying. Words eagerly came out of hiding. Feelings I never thought I felt came rushing out—anger, hate, happiness and more. My hands tumbled, my grammar, ridiculous, and my hand writing? Horrible. Barely anything can be read. But it felt good. After days, I evolved from writing diary compositions to short stories to poems. For the few who read my stories, they found a certain liking or connection with my characters, or the plot. They would ask me to either continue the story, or make more. Gladly, I accept.

Another passion of mine may be found deep in the depths of my family tree—both mother’s side and father’s. What is it? MUSIC. In the matriarchal side of my family, they were all, somewhat, required to play a musical instrument. While in the patriarchal side, simply has “profound” taste in music. Music from every generation, either of hopeless romantics or music during the revolution to those angsty ballads are flowing through my veins like blood. There is just something about how the melody compliments the lyrics and how the lyrics go through you. Other than writing, music was what held me together through good times and bad. I found another outlet when a pen is not around. When there came a time that I was in a state of depression, people would catch me in a corner listening to music. Even in random moments, people would catch me humming, if not singing to myself.

There came a certain stage in my life wherein I asked myself what my sole purpose could be. It is with this that my passion for cooking was ignited. I found out that my purpose was to make others happy—in other words, MAKING A DIFFERENCE. It is a known fact that food make people happy. Being a Pilipino, it has been instilled in our culture even long before we were colonized by foreign countries, that eating creates a certain bind in every Pilipino, even in every culture. Seeing how a certain dish can never fail to bring joy and happiness to people, I found cooking to be my calling.

It is with these that I realize how I became ME—the passion for a connection, either to myself or to others. How I interact with others, how I want to make a difference—THAT’S what formed me into who I am now; my attitude and mannerisms are all based into this simple, yet unending chain. It is no wonder that my goal be as simple—to be happy by making others happy.

ENDERUN.

The topic has come out. Now i feel bitter about what happened. :|

I was supposed to be a student of a prestigious school--an international school. Scholarship pa sana. (*sigh*)

For those of you who do not know...

"Enderun is a college that offers a full range of bachelor's degree and non-degree courses in the fields of hotel and restaurant management and culinary arts. Enderun's mission is to prepare its students for leadership positions in this dynamic global industry, not only by providing them with unrivalled professional, and management training, but by grounding them in the humanities, social sciences, arts, and practical physical sciences.

Enderun is committed to the highest international standards of academic excellence. --official website"

Ever since I saw them at a school fair, that has been my target. I feel that I deserved every ounce of it if I ever got in that school. But, knowing it is an international school, I told myself that I would go for a scholarship.

So my grades were not excellent, I figured I could pass the interview. Luckily, someone was already contacting me. She was fixing my papers, giving me interviews, she even offered my dad an overview (which he turned down) of everything that could happen if I got in Enderun (but that didn't happen until later that Summer.)

My mind was set. Being a new school, they didn't have entrance tests... yet. All I had to do was write a bunch of essays, and go to loads of interview, which was, of course, great for me. Great because I am, not to gloat, good at impromptu. :)

The time came for my 1st interview. A lady and one of the founders were the people who interviewed me. I had such fun. Nervous, yes, but they welcomed me as if they were already accepting my application for scholarship. So the interview commenced. I can ask whatever question I want to them. They, in turn, ask me theirs. I was not having an interview. I was having a conversation. And I was loving every minute of it.

As I left the conference room, they gave me an opportunity to ask one more question. I asked "How did I do?" They said, "Well, you were animated." That's all that I could remember in the verbatim, but, they said there is a possibility I can pass.

I was so dumbfounded and happy, I forgot how to open the door. I rushed down the building, where my dad was waiting. I was so happy. I realized what a great feeling it was to work for something--to work at a dream--and have it come true. It definitely felt like Christmas.

I anticipated the day that I would receive a call or a letter from Enderun, telling me that I passed the scholarship.

THE DAY CAME. I received both a call and a letter. Now that I think about it. It was my dad who got the letter and opened it. I never knew there was a letter until the intern from Enderun called to ask if I received my letter. :|

There it was. I WAS ACCEPTED. I jumped for joy. I cried. But I only got partial scholarship. 100,000 php per year, in other words, 50,000 php off every semester. I didn't care. I knew we could handle it.

THE DAY CAME once again that my parents told me NO. I arranged meetings with the lady at Enderun, figuring out what I can do to afford it. We considered everything. But still, they said no.

The lady called me one time. She wanted to talk to my dad. He, I think, was rather rude in a discreet way (He was polite, but, there was this line that made it bad *in a semi-angry voice* "Yes, you have successfully sold your product to my daughter.") I was appalled. I apologized to the lady. She told me in a text "It's ok. I understand your dad. Maybe someday."

Everything just went down the drain.

Coincidentally, it was the time that Asian Food Channel (afc) was being aired. As I stared at the TV in my room, watching everything in the channel, I sobbed, scratched that, I wailed, and threw something at the TV. I immediately called Yang. I was so hurt. I told her "Ito lang ang bagay na pinagsisisihan kong pinalampas ko. One of the things that I know, when I get older, I would look at my acceptance letter and just cry myself to sleep."

i lost all hope then. My plans. My dream.

Until now, when I watch the DVD Enderun gave me during the interview, I still cry, or get teary eyed.

Sabi nalang ni Yang "hintayin mo nalang yung time na kaya mo nang pag-aralin ang sarili mo."

I fear that all would be too late by then.

it's been...

about a couple of months since I had an entry.

update? wala naman masyado. except for the fact that my family's been on this Facebook craze. It started with my mum playing this game, Who Has The Biggest Brain, which, of course, determines your brain's size in cm. (I doubt its accuracy though, I am at a Cyborg level already...) Then, everything just took off from there.

I have various applications already, Mob Wars, Fashion Wars, Vampire Wars, Band Wars... Lahat na ata ng Wars na add ko na. :| But, what's most addicting for my family if PET SOCIETY.

Last Sunday, my kid cousins made a Facebook account JUST to play Pet Society. My ninang, who was never concerned with anything with social networking before this, was also playing. But, I think my mum got it worse. She would sit in front of the computer, clicking, visiting and "soaping" the pets the whole day. I don't even know what she sees in that game that can take you the WHOLE day. 24 hours pa nga kung minsan. :| sabagay, it is a form of therapy for her. After all she's been through... *sigh...*

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

be weak... if you want to love...
-Fra Lippo Lippi-