How was it made possible that man has the right to acknowledge the faults, flaws and whatever it is that they think is wrong, when man, himself can not accept his own flaws when told bluntly?
Why?
It sounds funny for me.
NO.
It sounds like bullshit.
PERFECTION
It's funny how it is expected by our family. By others. By everyone. I, personally, hate this. But, with the name comes perfection. Perfection in other people's eyes.
Fuck Perfection.
Fuck it.
Fuck it.
I don't need your words.
I don't need your judgment.
I don't need the crap you base on the fucking norms of society.
JUDGMENT
It's easy to pass judgment on those you BELIEVE to know something of, but know nothing about. It's easy to pass judgment based on what you've grown accustomed to. It's easy to pass judgment on people you see flaws with because you never committed them. It's easy to BELIEVE that I am throwing my life away just because you BELIEVE that I did not make the right choice. It's easy to pass judgment because I never wanted what you wanted for me. It's easy to pass judgment because I NEVER WAS GOOD ENOUGH.
YOU
How could you?
How dare you.
Why?
I don't need this.
Not now, at least.
Maybe never.
I don't know.
I don't want this.
Bakit ba ang lakas niyong manakit ng ibang tao. Ang galing niyo mag bitiw ng salita. It's funny how people try to point out the flaws and imperfection of other people. Funny how we tend to feel better seeing that other people make mistakes worse, if not the same, as ours.
"Buti nalang hindi ako yun."
"Some people just have it worse."
PUTA.
Tumingin muna kayo sa sarili niyo. Please lang... Hindi niyo kasi alam ang impact ng mga sinasabi niyo eh. Hindi niyo alam kung ano nagagawa ng mga simpleng pagsabi ng
"Hindi ka ba nag-iisip?"
"May delikadesa ako."
"Sayang lang mga pinagtatrabaho ng mga magulang mo para sayo."
"Wala lang."
"Masyado bang maganda yung movie?"
"Yun naman pala eh. Pwede naman palang lumabas ng bahay."
PUTANG INA.
You don't have the slightest idea of how i fucking feel. You don't know what I'm going through.
YOU DON'T GIVE A DAMN.
Don't turn the fucking tables at me kasi alam niyong may pagkukulang din kayo at alam niyong tama ako.
UTANG NA LOOB.
tama na.....
It came to me while I was in the wake of my other lola.
People are growing old... :|
I was sitting in one corner, looking at my biological lola, then a thought came into my mind.
"Paano na si lola? Sino na kasama niya?"
My lola's husband died 3 years ago. Just as she was recovering from the death, the Grim Reaper knocked on our door.
It's kind of sad, actually. She's been around for so long that maybe, just maybe, she's seen most of the people she grew up with, laughed with, cried with... die.
I think this is what death does. It sucks out the very feeling out of you... Like a death eater being close by.
But, I don't think that that's the feeling death intends for us to feel. I think death wants us to appreciate life more, and to be confident enough in thinking that what happened was for the best. I think it's the people's attachment to the person that makes us feel so... shitty.
Since we invest feelings, emotions and time to the person. When it was taken away from us, of course, we are to feel anger and whatnot. It's like investing thousands of money on a certain business. Then, in an instant, the bank takes it away from you because of your previous utangs.
Oh well.
We all die sooner or later.
gusto kong itype lahat ng marinig ko... magulo isip ko, malungkot, malabo. Kung tutuusin, ayokong magsalita, ayokong makipag away, ayokong magexplain, ayokong makipag usap. pero sana gusto ko nasa tabi kita.
Pero mukhang gusto pa mangulit ng mga kamay ko. Hindi matahimik, hindi makatulog--MAGULO RIN.
is it you... is it you... maybe you're the one i've been waiting for...
ngayon tinatype ko nalang lahat ng marinig ko o maisip ko... napaka random...
it's like i've waited my whole life, for this one night... it's just me, you, and the dance floor...
tangna... wala naman talaga eh... tama na excuses... hindi lang trabaho pinaguusapan natin.. kung tutuusin, naiinggit ako sa kanila kasi sila, hindi nawawalan kahit hindi nila kasama... pero ako? kanina, maawa ako sa sarili ko sa hospital... nakaupo lang ako dun... mag-isa... wala man lang kumausap sakin para intindihin ako... wala... para akong tanga... nagagalit, nalulungkot, tas mamaya-maya, tatawa at ngingiti na... puta. puta talaga.
i need you boo... i gotta see you boo...
pucha.. timing ang kanta... ibahin ko nga..
sweet, sugar, candy man..
-_-"
*piano intro*
*piano intro parin*
come up to meet you.. tell you i;m sorry.. you don;'t know how lovely you are..
i had to find you.. tell you i need you.. tell you i set you apart..
tell me your secrets and ask me your questions.. oh let's go back to the start..
running in circles.. coming in tails.. heads on a science apart..
NOBODY SAID IT WAS EASY...
IT'S SUCH A SHAME FOR US TO PART...
lahat ng tao, aloof... hindi mapakali... hindi alam ang gagawin... hindi alam ang gusto...
---B L A N K M O M E N T---
Questions of science, science and progress..
do not speak as loud as my heart...
everyone was morose... everyone except for my dad arguing with the hospital staff. We, rather, I opted to stay despite my dad's bickering with the nurse. My dad has a point, as a matter of fact. They classified US (us being the relatives and the direct descendants of the sick) as visitors. My dad's point? What if the patient expires? Will the sons be not in her side upon her death? Besides, the nurse was rude. My dad was calm with arguing (if that made sense). He called the security guard, when he told us he was going to call for his superiors regarding the matter. He even raised his voice. My dad said, "Since I'm just a visitor. I'll refuse to pay for the stay and bills of myAuntie." Touche. Point taken.
The next day, upon the death of our relative, they brought the cadaver down the morgue without informing us (us being the classified visitors the night before, but, seeing as something already happened, we were then called the RELATIVES). Strike two for the "WALANG KWENTANG HOSPITAL" *bitter*
I feel bad for the nurse. Mali ang binastos niya. My dad got his name, he swore he'll do anything of his power to disbar the nurse.
Sa susunod kasi, pwede... RESPETO NAMAN.
Everyone's pissed and upset by now. All are hot headed, but we have to stand our ground.
Naiiyak ako.
Yet you choose to be, on the side of me... On the side of me...
Puta. Wala ka nga sa tabi ko eh. Anong on the side of me?
I'm not so proud of some things i do in my life. The skeletons in my closet are too big to hide... Yet you choose to be on the side of me.. on the side of me...
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! tapos hindi ka pa mag tetext ngayon?
Gusto ko mapagod ang mga kamay ko sa kakatype.
Gusto ko naring magpahinga.
Hindi ako hihinto sa pag type hanggat hindi pa napapagod toh...
Utang na loob. Please lang.
Nasasaktan na ako...
obsession has its way of creeping up with people.
I think that's how I'll start this blog.
It creeps up to your bones, then leaves you dead in the morning. But still, you want M O R E.
What is it with obsession that makes it so damn irresistible?
The clicking of the mouse...
The ticking of the keyboards...
The blood rushing through your veins...
The adrenaline...
The waiting...
The phone call...
The THINKING.
It's a force of habit, I think, being obsessed. But what happens when it's a momentarily obsession? After a couple of clicks, taps, and ticks, it's gone?
Wouldn't that be another definition for infatuation or momentary awe.
How would you really differentiate this "obsession" with this "momentary awe".
Well, I know how to sort my wants. MY OBSESSIONS. My needs. My ecstacy in the plural.
Do you?
Can you hold on to it?
Can you stick with it?
Funny how a certain motivation to write may either be an extreme feeling of either happiness or sadness--never something in between.
Why are we so motivated by fear?
Fear of rejection.
Fear of heights.
Fear of dying.
Fear of...
Fear of losing you...
When there is fear, we tend to overcome our wants, our needs. Instead we live through our lives being controlled by this... this... FEAR.
Something about this FEAR is making us feel this apathy.
A-P-A-T-H-Y:
As applied to the mind, it is a calmness, indolence, or state of indifference, incapable of being ruffled or roused to active interest or exertion by pleasure, pain, or passion.
In exchange of fear. We have apathy.
Apathy is a known cousin of indifference, insensibility and unconcern.
Once you feel too much of this fear. You may tend to feel a certain inclination towards apathy. Examples of this emotion may be the aftermath of a long silent war or can even be having a sugar rush without you minding it. It can even reach the height of being... numb.
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i know, i know.. i should've slept hours ago.....
but i just can't bear it.
hindi ko kayang hindi matulog hanggang ganto tayo... nakakagago... buti naman at maayos na ang lahat... alam mo naman na mahal na mahal kita diba?
i'm just glad everything's ok.. ^_^
How to cope with depression:
STEP 1: Acknowledge the said reason of the depression. Dwell on it. Be angry about it, but never talk about it.
STEP 2: Heighten your pride. The higher your pride, the higher your chances of being depressed. This is good.
STEP 3: Write senseless, meaningless blogs that rant about said depression.
STEP 4: Post one-word status messages on whatever messenger you have available on your computer.
STEP 5: Pretend to busy yourself with fixing your blog's template or with blog hopping.
STEP 6: Eat sweet merengue while doing STEP 5.
STEP 7: Lose self control of eating merengue.
STEP 8: When asked by a friend what your problem is, RANT. Rant to your heart's content. Continue eating merengue.
STEP 9: Realize your mistake. Reiterate on whether to apologize or not. Continue eating merengue.
STEP 10: Finish your last merengue. Suffer from sugar rush.
i miss you. tumawag ka naman. kakainin ba tayo ng pride natin. please. tumawag ka naman.
Enjoy.
ANGER.
Gets the better(or the worse) of us all. Even when you just came from an unforgettable trip to her room.
MISCOMMUNICATION.
Was it? Maybe.
POMELO.
An object to put all of what the first statement means. You just didn't understand.
McDONALD'S COKE FLOAT.
I wanted one. You didn't.
APOLOGIZE.
Should I?
PRIDE.
Is making this thing bigger.
WHY?
just because.
ASHAMED.
Of who? Of you? Never. Of you about me? Maybe.
HURT.
dammit. so bad.
AGAIN, PRIDE.
is driving me insane.
TEXT.
I always do.
CALL.
You never did.
SLEEP.
I think I should.
Tangna. Alam kong mababaw ako... pero, mali man ang narinig ko, ang dami paring nag trigger sakin na kung ano-ano. Pucha. Feeling ko kinakahiya mo ako. Feeling ko hindi pa ako sapat para sayo. Alam mo ba kung gano kita gusto iparada sa lahat ng tao at ipagmalaki na ka-on kita?? Tangna naman tay... kahit hindi nila tinatanong, ako na ang nagsasabi sa kanila. Bakit ikaw? Ako na gumagawa ng paraan para makilala mo mga kaibigan ko at mga kaibigan mo. Pero parang ikaw pa yung gumagawa ng paraan para hindi ko sila makilala. At parang ikaw pa ang ayaw makakilala sa mga kaibigan ko. Sabihin mo nang mababaw. Pero hindi mo lang kasi alam kung gano kaimportante yun para sakin. Ngayon ko lang lahat nararamdaman ang mga ito. Sayo ko lang ginusto ang lahat ng to. Pero bakit parang wala lang ang lahat para sayo? Palibhasa kasi napagsawaan mo nang gawin ang mga yan sa mga ex mo. Hindi mo ako mapasyal, ma date, ma sundo. Lahat hindi. Tangna naman. Ayaw mo pumunta sa mga lugar na gusto ko dahil ano? Dahil naaalala mo siya kamo. Ikaw na nagsabi nun. Hindi ko talaga makalimutan yun. LAKING SAMPAL SAKIN YUN. Pero hindi na ako kumibo nun diba? Ayoko narin kasi ng away at ayokong sabihin mo nanaman na napaka babaw ko.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
It was dark. I can hardly make out anything. Then I hear voices of children--I've stuck around the dream for awhile to realize the children in the background were my cousins. We were back in out old house in Malate. The house was different though, the stairs were in the same place but everything else was on the other side. It was quite peculiar. I remember walking along the house. Seeing my Ka Aging and Ninang. We just moved back there.
My Ninang then gave me a cup of ice cream. We went out to the garage to talk, with the kids trailing in the background. I was still dumbfounded, I was not moving. She took out an old picnic table. As dusty as it was, my Ninang was blowing the dust off the table.
The dream then continues to me being in a dressing room.
Still, I was wondering where I was going.
I learned later that I was in a singing contest. As nervous and clueless I was, I still sang--Geek in the Pink by Jason Mraz. But, I had a partner.
A partner I know nothing of.
A partner who I don't know.
A partner who just sang the parts I did not know.
Instead of singing on stage, we were singing around the mall as if on a music video. While he followed me for the technicalities of our performance (partner connection, blending, rhythm, etc.) I was going around looking for my family.
As the song finishes, I found the whereabouts of my brother. (in real life, I was half asleep and he borrowed my mouse) Seeing that he didn't notice me, I decided to follow him with the mouse he borrowed.
As I was nearing my brother, my singing partner grabbed hold of my wrist and told me that the contest was over but the judges wanted to talk to us. I did not agree to anything, rather, he dragged me from my spot as I was still looking into the distance to see my brother.
The judges told us that we made it to the championships and that some Company was asking us to be their sponsors. After the judge left, my singing partner was ecstatic, I, on the other hand suddenly left him to follow my brother.
At this point of the dream, I wasn't talking, still. (besides the singing)
As I followed my brother, I saw that he left the computer shop, leaving his blog open. (how ironic, no?)
It had pictures of my mum and me hugging and laughing. His blog said that I was lucky that I didn't make the same mistake he did of not being close to my mum. To be honest, it sounded as if my mum was going to die. (i hope not. Please, LORD. I hope not.)
I finally had a chance of catching up with my brother. I was teary eyed. I saw him come out of the room--then I saw my mum lying on the bed, oblivious of me. When I saw my mum, I tried to barge in to the room but my brother stopped me.
He then said "Ssshhh... She doesn't know."
END
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I don't know what this dream means.
I sure hope that it's not true.
with that said.
I am afraid.
Tagos sakin ang lyrics ng Paramore ng kanilang sabihin na
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU LET YOUR HEART WIN
kung tutuusin, I actually am proud that I followed my heart rather than following those social norms, or worst, what my family said.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
Yes, I am guilty of following my heart more than my brain.
STUPID
I know, but, it's the way I'd rather be in.
For years I've been following the social norms, what my family wanted and what is expected of me.
But now, I just want to make them realize that what they want for me really isn't what is best. And what the society dictates is not always what is right.
I am not selfish or anything.
I just think I deserve just as much.
ganto yun...
Since we were (panic)buying, I decided to buy Arnott's Tim Tams because I've been wanting to do the Tim Tam Slam (if you want to see the "How To" video, click this)
In my excitement, I decided to share this chocolate-y bliss to my family. Dahil may sakit si utol, kina mama at papa nalang. :|
Now, since I know my dad shares my love for chocolate, I thought that he would appreciate it as much as I do. Yung mama ko, ok lang... kaso, my dad didn't like this little "chocolate cloud 9" I learned from YouTube.
I have come to realize that maybe, just maybe, we do lose our sense of childhood as we grow up and mature. Nako, I don't want that to happen to me. Magkalimutan na lahat wag lang ang inner child ko. I think if I become to self absorbed with my responsibilities, my inner child would come out of the closet and hit me 'til I wake up from my "self absorbed responsibilities" phase.
I think we should all learn to live a little. Make mistakes, be silly, have fun.
And when I mean fun, I don't mean partying, drinking, gimmiking, smoking, jamming and the sorts. Fun. As in, going to theme parks, playing with children, eating ice cream, making a mess.
In this day and age of technology and insane reality, let us not forget what keeps us in tact--where we came from. wag naman sana tayo maging tulad ng mga heartless/fun less na tao tulad ng gobyerno natin.
Ano na nga ba ang nangyari sa inner children nila?
Kung minsan, mas masarap pa nga ang mamuhay ng simple.
We just have to realize that.
YEEAP... It's that time of the month again.
No, I'm not talking about my monthly period (I've been irregular for so long that my last "red tide" was 4 months ago O.o) I am, in fact, talking about going to the grocery.
Once when my friends came with me to the grocery store, they saw how "panicked" our family was.
If the average family will buy one or two small cans of evaporated milk, our family would buy five cans of the big ones.
If the average family will buy maybe a pack or two of spaghetti sauce, we, on the other hand, would buy about five.
Well, you get the picture.
This time, it took us two overflowing carts, about 29 plastic bags, and about php 24,000.
Our last purchase of goods was 10 days ago.
yes. we are, in fact, a big family.
For that, I am proud.
A bit of an off-topic snippit:
I am, honestly, having fun with this server. All the colors, buttons, and things are so user friendly.
If only I can find people to read my blogs. O.O
Sometimes...
you want to create, or even start, a world of your own...
Sometimes...
in the beginning...
you don't know what to say...
that's why it never occurred to you what it is that you are going to write...
kaya nga mahirap magsimula...
kasi hindi mo alam kung pano sisimulan...
