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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

untitled pa.

The stillness of the library haunts her. But still, it does not stop her from spending her silent afternoons engrossed in a book. She refuses to get a Library Card because, in some sick and twisted way, she loves the serenity and fluidity her world inside gives her.

She gets her book and stands in front of the book shelf for awhile, browsing through the titles, synopses, summaries. But there is one book that caught her attention.

She grazed the spine of the book as if feeling the embossed letters of the title, caressing every detail, every curve, every line. She quietly got hold of its spine, but hesitating at the last second. She glanced at both sides, as if crossing a certain boundary. The librarian sat on the farthest left of hers and no one but the tables at her right. As she got the book, the distance seems to have grown farther. She paced her way towards the farthest table at the back of the room close to the darkest corner. It was this time that she appreciated the carpeted floors.

As she sat on the table, she put the book on her lap, refusing to put it at the table as if afraid someone might see her reading the book.

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tell me what you think so far.

:)

-sF-

Friday, April 24, 2009

From the sheets to the pillow.

She has endured everything around her.

The distance... The time...




The SILENCE.




It is painful enough to have everything turned into an utter disaster, just when she had everything under control.

Her form on her bed... Her fragrance entangled with the sheets... Her head against her chest when asleep...

Yes... She will miss it. Definitely. But, as sappy as it may seem, or as cheesy as it may sound, good things really DO come to an end. You just have to anticipate every moment.

But, she might tell you, she did NOT anticipate it to have ended this soon.


-sF-

Monday, April 6, 2009

it's not fate.

It's not fate that's keeping us apart, it's my parents.

Of course, in my perception, parents want what's best for you. Although, I think they are so blinded about what they think is best for us (with their frustrations about to be reflected on their kids) that they don't really think we are capable of choosing on our own.

I think, in our culture, we are built and trained to be followers of our parents. Don't get me wrong, of course being obedient is utmost important in the Family heirarchy. But, what happens when it's our OWN well being and happiness we are talking about? Do we still follow everything that they want us to do? Everything being, when in doubt of your choice and decision, you follow theirs--kahit na tungkol saan pa yan. Or, will you be the family's "black sheep" just because you have taken into consideration the consequences of wanting what makes you happy, even if it means that by choosing so, it turns you into the REBEL among the family members?

In my opinion, I don't really think it is appropriate for parents to not support or listen to their kid. After all, young as they may be, or in some cases, OLD as they may be... they ARE... WE ARE able to think of what makes us happy, and, in turn, we ARE aware of whatever it is that it might have the possibility of getting us hurt.

BUT THINK ABOUT IT.

Don't you think it's hurting us more if we decided to pursue our own happiness WHILST pursuing yours? In layman's term? HIDING IT FROM YOU.

Us being hurt because without the possibility of getting that happiness (BELIEVE ME, THIS HAPPENS BECAUSE IF THE PARENTS ARE IN DOUBT OF YOUR ACTIONS, THEY WILL TRY EVERYTHING IN THEIR WILL POWER TO STOP YOU.) and you being hurt because you think that your offspring is disobeying you JUST for the sake of spiting you when in fact, they can't possibly let go because it makes them happy.

BUT...

What happens when you, as parents, do something in similarity to what your child is doing, only this time, it's worse? When lives of families are at stake--lives of YOUR FAMILY and that of OTHERS.

What do you think you're supposed to do?


















-sF-

Sunday, April 5, 2009

ikaw.

Please don't think I'm making you look bad through my blog, please..

First of all, no one reads my blog anyway, it's just a form of a teraphy for me. Second, I'm not really making you feel guilty or anything now am I trying to make you look bad...

Pleae, wag ka magalit...

Wala na akong masabihan eh... Hindi ko kakayaning nasa kwarto lang ako, mag-isa... Ayoko na ng pakiramdam na umiiyak ako ng mag-isa... tas walang text sayo... na hindi mo man lang malalaman kung bakit ako nagkakaganto... ni hindi mo alam o wala kang paklam na hindi ako tumatawag sayo...

I son't even want to realize that you are purposely not calling me or even texting me or even wondering why I'm not calling back.

KAso, nasasaktan rin ako kapag nakakareceive ng text mo...

I made a bad joke, I'm going to never hear the end of it.

Kapag may mali ako, pinapamukha mo talaga eh. Kulang nalang sampalin mo sa mukha ko. Pero you have to know I have good intentions. You just saw it in a wrong way...

and i guess i really am not enough for you.

I always thought you were, that's why kayang kaya mo akong suyuin pag galit ako. Kaya alam mo ang gagawin pag galit ako.

Pero pag ikaw naman yung galit, ginagawa ko naman yung alam kong magpapatanggal ng galit mo eh. Pero hindi talaga gumagawa. manlamibng ako or anything, sabihin na tama na ang init ng ulo mo... mukhang mas naiirita ka pa nga eh...

kaya hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko at kung san ako lulugar.













The void is still there... hindi pa nawawala.

It's the same void I feel everytime I get hurt. It was the same void I felt when we almost broke up. THe same void I felt when dad told us the truth. The same void I felt when I realized nma may feelings si papa. The same void I felt When I realized what he saw in her. The same void I feel when we have big fights,. The same void I feel when I get hurt. The same void I thought I would never feel.

Pero alam ko namang imosibleng mawala satin yung void eh. At least alam mong mahal talaga kita.














-sF-

I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.

I van't breathe.

I can't feel.

I need a hug.

I need to cry.













BUT I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO...

QUESTIONS.

Do you know how painful it is to cry in the middle of an argument, holding back your reply just because she might think that you are trying to defend yourself again, even though you're wrong? Do you know how hard it is to type in front of the computer, in the middle of the morning, at about 2:46 AM, without any device to see clearly?

Do you know how hard it is to cry so silently becauise you don't want to cause any ruckus? Or because you don't want them to hear? Do you know how hard it is to cry in the middle of the night, at about 2:46 AM, wanting to hug or hold someone--wanting human affection or contact, but, all you have is a bed full of stuffed animal, one large sized Tigger, one medium sized Baby Taz, and one stuffed dog named Bernard?

Do you know how difficult it is to grasp the idea of you flaring up for something that I seem to do every night--annoy you--with the littlest things i do? Do you not think that I suffer the same pressure as you do or even think of ways or thoughts as you do? Do you think i'm not thinking of ways to give you what you want?

Do you think I don't get hurt too?

Do you think that what happened with my parents does not affect me?

Do you think JUST because I still live with my parents, and you live there, that I am having the better life?? Do you think I do not think of you every decent meal I have in this home, knowing that you have not yet eaten??

Why did you think I don't eat much when I'm at home? I

Do you think I do not care?

Am I so stupid or shallow for you?

HOw is it that you are not really that patient with me? Yes, you lasted two years, and more with me... But still, you have the shortest patience...

How is it that you can crack a joke and I can't? How is it that you see it wrong?

Have you ever felt like you want to do anything for her just to fix whatever it is she's worrying about AND STILL feel like you have done NOTHING AT ALL for her?

Have you ever felt that everytime she says "Tang inang buhay 'to" you feel that you do not make her happy at all? as in ever? and that you feel so insignificant? and that you will realize that your attempts to make everything better has not worked even for ONE BIT?

HAVE YOU EVER FELT THAT VOID INSIDE YOU, FEELING THAT YOU HAVE LOST ALL ABILITY TO FEEL BUT STILL FEEL SOMETHING?? AS IF A VACUUM HAS SEEPED IN YOUR CHEST, TRYING TO SUCK ALL EMOTIONS AND PAIN, BUT, INSTEAD OF THE PAIN GOING AWAY, YOU'LL JUST FEEL THE PAIN GOING TROUGH IN CIRCLES, TRYING TO GET TO THAT VOID??

Do you know how hard that feels??

Do you know that me, blogging again, is a bad omen? That the same feeling I was feeling back then when I had no one to tell my problems or my feelings to, I'm feeling again right now?

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT?

Yes, you worry about our future... but, honestly, how about what I feel now?

What if we fall apart because I'M FALLING APART?

What if I can't take the pain anymore?

Would I be apathetic? Would I lose feeling?

WOULD YOU STILL LOVE ME THEN?

If you asked me questions as to how I feel about my parents, even just for a while, do you think you'd still think that I feel NOTHING or think about NOTHING regarding my parent's problems??

If you asked me what my ninang and I talked about that night we went out, do you think it would have changed how I felt?

I BET YOU, IF YOU READ THIS, YOU'D BE ANGRY AGAIN AT ME.

Thinking that I was selfish and shit.

Maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

I don't know.....

all I know is that I'm hurting so much right now, and that I'm keeping everything in. I am son to be a time bomb.













Don't let me explode..... please...













-sF-